Quotes!

"Yeah, I'm a bad loser but I'm a gracious winner. And by 'gracious' I mean I rub it in people's faces."
— Robbie Hindle

"If you can't stay friends after you break up, you probably shouldn't have been going out in the first place."
— Liz Ford

Me: [After first year University] High school Calculus is so easy in comparison to what I did this year. I want to take your OAC Calculus final just to see how well I do.
Brett: Yeah, and after that you can beat some third graders at Dodgeball so so you can really feel like a big man.

[While I am pouring a carbonated beverage.]
Megan MacDonald: Davenport, tilt your glass!
Me: Maybe I like head!

Me: Bissell, I love these [drinking] glasses.
Robbie: Why don't you have sex with them?
Me: They're not big enough [referring to the glasses]
Robbie: Not big enough to what, fit up your ass?

Me: Frankly, I don't know what I would gain by cutting my hair.
Gibson: A girlfriend?

Me: Now I have most of a tub of vasaline, and I don't know what to do with it.
Brett: Don't you mean, who to do with it?

"I had a lot of crappy runs down in my low end there."
— Me, talking about a hand of cards, though no one else thought so at the time.

"I'm sorry, but the last thing I wanted to see at four in the morning was your face."
— Kristen Martin, talking about New Years 2003. The face she was referring to was mine.

"I don't want to die on behalf of your ass."
— Brett Hodgins, when Gibson was speeding home because he had to take a dump.

"Alex rang my bell the other day...bitch."
— Ryan Furchner, referring to a fight where Alex Bissell literally knocked his head into a bell.

Brett Hodgins: All the A&W buildings look the same...it's almost as if they're built in a central location.
Me: Yeah, and then they warp them in...like the Protoss.
[Silence]
Me: See, In Waterloo, that would have been funny.

Me: See, most girls our age aren't single. Well, our Penetang friends are, but almost none of my Waterloo friends are.
Gibson: What about Patricia?
Me: She has a boyfriend.
Furchner: You going to kick his ass?
Me: I couldn't. He's a tall, lanky, Dutch guy. Besides, I've known him as long as I've known her.
Furchner: Well, I'll kick his ass.
Me: No, you can't either. Software engineers are surprisingly tough.
Furchner and Brett: [In Disbelief] "Software engineers are surprisingly tough?!?"
Christmastime 2003. And software engineers are tough, just try to beat up John Kooistra. Or Chris MacGregor.

"The ceremony was really cool...but there was more vomiting than I preferred."
— Brett Hodgins - and to remove all doubt, he was the one vomiting

Me: I wasn't going to learn Klingon, I was going to learn Esperanto, which is even more useless.
Warren Jackson: You know what's even more useless?
Me: You? ... Your pee-pee?
Camping on Beausoleil island, Summer 2003.

Me: That's the most unappealed look I have ever seen on your face.
Georgia Sauve: You offered me weenie bits.
[Pause]
Robbie Hindle: That's all he has to offer!
Camping on Beausoleil island, Summer 2003.

Furchner: [Quoting the Radio] "You can't pick your own nick name. Otherwise, we would all be 'The Duke' "
Gibson: I wouldn't be 'The Duke', I would be 'Hung-Like-Donkey Man.'

"Someday, I'll make love to a pretty, pretty, boy to this song."
— Ryan Furchner

"It's okay, you didn't choose to be born."
— Brett Hodgins reassures me

Brett Hodgins: Stafford needs to go to the University of Waterloo.
Me: Why Waterloo?
Brett: Because it's a geek school, so he can make some geek friends. I know admittedly you're a cool geek and he's a geek geek, but you're all still geeks.
Damn proud of it, too.

Kristen Martin: What if you miss?
Furchner: I'd kick it in.
Furchner talking about his pooping accuracy

"That's no reason not to poop everywhere."
— Ryan Furchner

"I'm hampered...hamp....hammm...pickled.
— Georgia Sauve, when she was so hammered she couldn't say "hammered"

"I'm sure they know, but I know they're not sure."
— Kristen Martin, Summer 2003. At first Hodgins told me she said this regarding the law-enforcement agencies, and their suspicion of us because of the pranks we certain people used to pull. However, she later accidentially admitted the quote was about her parents and their view of her relationship with Hodgins.

"Good God, this better not be infected."
— Me (downloading an exe from kAzAa)

"I'm what they call a good old fashioned nickel whore."
— Me

"Seeing as none of us have won a million dollars yet, we should really go do that."
— Brett Hodgins when we were at Casino Rama

Brett Hodgins: [referring to my legs] Get those stubby things out of there!
Me, to Brett: Be prepared to hear that on your wedding night...

Me: Why do you call the dog "it"? I thought she was a girl.
Brett Hodgins: Frankly, it's not that important to me.
Hodgins implies I have sex with dogs yet again, Summer 2003.

Me: Try the Garlic Bread, it's got my own special blend of herbs and spices.
Furchner: You mean the stuff that falls out of your hair?

" 'Whatever I used to think, I now agree with you.' That little gem will come in handy when you get married."
— Kyle Naylor, someone I used to work with in Penetanguishene.

"There's only 190 people at the castle, but it's 80% female. That's the most cheerful 35 guys I have ever seen!"
— Brett, about the castle Queens University has in England

Me: Georgia, have you noticed that your mental stability decreases as Jenn's presence increases?
Jenn Nantais: Gee, thanks Mike.
Me: Hey, I'm just pointing these things out. I'm a scientist, you know.
Jenn: Yeah, fuck you too.

"A sentimental ending is so much more sentimental with an…ending"
— Brett, referring to the slideshow. The last picture was one of the last things we did.

Me: I want to go back to the Elmvale zoo.
Brett Hodgins: Yeah, you were much happier there.

Me: I got called for a second interview. Isn't that a good sign?
Brett: Nah, he probably just made a bet with his management buddies about how much you stink. [starts impersonating a boss] 'Don't believe me eh? I'll call him' [makes telephone out of hand] 'Yeah, Michael Davenport? Come on back!' 'Just you wait!'
Epilogue: The second interview consisted of me getting offered the job at Industrial Filter. Take that you bastard.

Me: I can count the number of female physics majors (in my year) on one hand.
Brett Hodgins: Ironic.

Brett Hodgins: Still Drinking the Diet Coke, eh?
Me: It hasn't killed me yet.
Brett: Oh, I'm waiting.

Me: You wanna meet around noon?
John Kooistra: Noon would be great!
[One minute later]
John: Okay, I'll meet you in the physics building, and we won't be ambiguous about the time! What time should we meet?
Me: I said noon, and you said noon...great.
John: I did, didn't I?

"If you think of Waterloo, less than 1% are hot people."
— Bianca Tong

Emilie Smith: Sister Act 2 is on.
Chris MacGregor: Wow, I get to see Whoopi Goldberg!
Emilie: Whoopi Goldberg dressed as a nun!
Chris: It's every sexual fantisy I've had since Grade 3 come true!

"Wow, engineers think smaller is better. No wonder we're not considered chick magnets."
— John Kooistra, talking about "archive" size…

"Now, don't blame me for this, because I didn't contribute to this at all, but my dad suggested that I post a flattering picture of you, and speak of your availability."
— Tim Foster, talking about ways to find subletters for his room

Tim: I could write a Nitpickers guide to the Nitpickers Guide [To Star Trek].
Me: Why don't you do that, and eliminate all chances of you ever reproducing?
Tim: Because that would increase the chances of you reproducing, and I couldn't, in good conscience, do that.

[I try and steal some cookies]
Tim Foster: Scare him away. Hug him. Anything!
Kyle Denison: No, it's not worth it.
Patricia Vepari: My mother's cookies aren't worth it?
Kyle: Look at him!
Me: You know, when you say anything like that to insult me, you're insulting Patricia at the same time.
Patricia: [Points at me] Yes, we were going out for a month.
John Kooistra: Doesn't mean you were attracted to him…
Patricia used to bring bags of her mother's cookies and give one to each of us. The above exchange took place late in fall 2003.

"I just called him Mike because he said something sick!"
— John Kooistra, after Alex said something sick and John accidentially called Alex by my name instead of his own.

"Everyone you've known all your life has been a bad influence on you...and you are the result."
— Kyle Denison, to me.

"I had an idea for 'power rangers' puppies, wherein puppies are grown in geometric molds, such that when fully grown, they can slot together into one larger όber puppy."
— John Kooistra

"My όber puppy would have many orifices."
— John Kooistra

John / Patricia: Is there such a thing as half a an idea?
Me: A problem is half an idea.
Lunch with Patricia and John in Festival Faire, Thursday, November 20, 2003

Me: This is the brain sucker [on your head]. Do you know what it's sucking?
Patricia: Mike, what the hell are you doing?
What did I learn from this? I learned that Brett Hodgins can do things to me and it's funny (because I fall for them), but not when I try it on other people (because they're smarter than me). This was Patricia's birthday celebration, November 2003.

"Right now it's more politically correct to be homosexual than to like Star Trek"
— Tim Foster, Fall 2003

Pinto: I need something to put on my resume besides smoking pot.
Kate: Smoking pot with kids!
Random Guy: Smoking pot and...thinking about stuff!

"No one has injured themselves yet. Why is this on TV?"
— Emilie

"Do you know what IKEA stands for? Dumb fuck pencilnecks who sell you pieces of wood you have to screw together yourself."
— Jo, getting very angry at a desk.

"I'm not going to talk to you anymore…I'm just going to say silent…on the phone…while paying long distance charges."
— John Kooistra after we have a dispute on the phone.

"Can't you see? They're not even selling your time, they're renting you out…like a prostitute, except instead of having sex with you, they're taking advantage of your programming skills."
— Me, talking to John about his firm renting him to another firm.

Obviously I have the physical stamina to mash potatoes without resorting to electronics. The egg probably beats you half the time.
— Tim about my egg mashing ability

Me: (Reading a Trivial Pursuit Question) What nation offers gourmets a brown alcoholic drink called kvas to wash down a plate of salo, or pig fat?
Will: Israel?

Me: If we were a primitive tribe, I would probably do the hunting.
Tim Foster: You realize, we only believe you're a Neanderthal because you look like one.

Me: He actually does have a model of a Galaxy class starship.
Tim: Yeah, it's on my dresser.
John: Where no woman has gone before!

Me: My load / save buttons in my first program all act differently. Bad UI.
Tim: Well, you go to Waterloo, so it's all forgiven, if anyone complains, ask if they've signed up for their courses next term

Me:I want to show people American Splendour.
Josh: That's not a euphemism for your genitalia, is it?

Me: How big do you think the pizza industry is?
Josh: Billions of dollars a year?
Me: You're saying the pizza industry is as big as porn?
Josh: They do go hand in hand...
Me: Please don't say that.
[Later]
Josh: Pizza can be bought by anyone. Families!
Me: So you're saying pizza has greater penetration?
Josh: Pizza penetrates deeper, wider, longer, harder.

Me:I've been able to keep a woman happy before, but only for short periods of time. [stops, realizes]
Josh:What, you mean on the order of seconds?
Me:Fuck you.
Josh:Hey, if you keep setting yourself up, I'm gonna keep knocking you down.
See, the funny thing is the sexual meaning is more obvious than what I actually meant.

"I wonder why the yiddish have so many words for 'penis', those schmucks."
— Josh

"Luckily, I have small genitalia."
— Me, when we were moving tables around in the lab and I had to get around a corner...

"I don't have to deal with moving parts or anything that smells…except the other engineers."
— Tom Levesque

Me:I'm going to go see it.
Josh:See What?
Me:"The secret lives of sexy women"
Josh:A lot of it takes place at my house.

Jeff:I used to live in downtown Kitchener. There was a guy across the street who was a recovering drug addict. He came over to use the phone because the kids were always stealing his stuff. We didn't believe him until we actually saw kids stealing his stuff.
...[Later]...
There was also the guy who was stabbed. I walked outside one morning, and there were eight police cars blocking the road and all this police tape next door. He was stabbed over a drug deal.
Josh:Stabbed Lethally?
Jeff:No, but he was stabbed in the face. That couldn't have been too much fun. Was bleeding face down in a snowbank.
Josh:Kids probably stole his wallet, then called 911.
Jeff:Yeah, then there was the grow-op. Those guys had their windows panted black...but they had a really nice pick-up truck.
Josh:So why'd you move?
Jeff:It was a little far away.
I took some liberties with this one, it is definitely not verbatum. However, the spirit of the moment is maintained, and I felt this was too funny to pass up.

Me:This is Margie. She enjoys long walks on the beach. Nah, that's a lie. She likes Halo, old school NES, and comic books.
Margie:Fuck you! I like long walks on the beach!

"Okay. I can't read this anymore. I'm going to be sick."
— Amie, reading an extra-bubbly SciSoc email...which she wrote!

"It"s a little too flashy for me. I"m more the English Parlor kind of homosexual."
— Jeff

"Well noted, Davenport, well noted. I will consult the geektionary the next time I change one of your decks."
— Tim Alemanciak, when I complained he changed something in the science section (due to proofreader complaint) to be less scientifically accurate.

"Wow, I totally Durshed that one up."
— Dursh. He used his own last name as a negative verb!

"When I fuck someone, I definitely don"t tell them who I am, so the police will be left only with a vague description."
— Andrew Shannon. Somehow, in context, it was funny instead of creepy.

"Yeah, I think I"d want to know who was fucking me."
— Elmo

"Maybe it"d let you mount it if you fingered it first."
— Josh, talking about my problems in Linux and Samba

"Describe your social situation with these girls. Do they know you well enough to not be attracted to you?"
— Me to Tim Foster. Funny thing is, I didn't even intend that to be insulting...

"So technically, we're having an orgy right now...funny, I thought it would be more interesting."
— Me, when someone gave me a very liberal definition of "orgy".

"You know tons of hot girls. Why aren't you going out with any of them?"
— Margie asks a poignant question.

Me:No! Only girls who've dated me are allowed to discover my secret!
Tom L: So, how many men in this room have you dated?
Well, this looks really bad. No, I'm not going to post on the internet what that secret is, but it's not as bad as you're thinking, you twisted bastard.

"I'm glad my sub-par hotness can satiate your needs."
— Margie to Phil. Context actually not dirty at all, but far too long to explain here.

Phil: I will, however, have sex with you for free.
Margie: Fuck you! I mean, not.

Margie: He also had a ticket to funland, but he didn't get on the bus.
Tim Mollison: There's a bus to your funland? Do you know what the average 40' mass transit vehicle can carry? That's 67 people with standing room!
I really don't think this needs explanation.

Me:How can someone be partly female?
Dean: The evidence is in your pants!

Dean: I have CS'y hands!
Me: You mean they've never touched a woman?
Revenge is mine!

"I have a roommate. He's a bi-polar crazy drug addict. He's awesome."
— Name withheld by request

Me: Bitch.
Amie: You might as well have just told me I'm awesome.
Amie and I playing Crazy 8 Countdown. She probably just played all four twos on me or something.

John Kooistra:I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body. All I need to do is find a heterosexual lesbian and I'm fine.
Me: You need a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
[Silence]
John: My feet really hurt right now, you know that?
John talking about his sexual orientation, and getting easily distracted. Guess the topic isn't really that important to him.

"Lots of nipples. Lots of nipples."
— Tiff

"What's that about you fingering while you eat?"
— Shawn to Tiff when she said something that sounded very much like that.

"It's enough to weird a gay guy out"
— Shawn on whatever I was doing to John Kooistra at the time…I forget what that was.

"We'd have to bake you or fry you, then chop you or shred you…sorry! I watched Chainsaw Massacre last night!"
— Jas on Amie flavoured chips.

Me:I'm a jerk.
Amie:As am I — and I'm proud of it. You call me a bitch, it doesn't hurt me. It brings a smile to my face.
Amie and I playing Crazy 8 Countdown

"Women's equality goes out the window when there's something heavy to carry."
— Amie Vu - I wonder if Gloria Steinem would approve of that statement?

"What's a 'swirlie'? Does it involve a swivily chair?"
— Hailey Saunders

"I just saw 'porno'"
— Lori (my mother) just as the timer ran out in Boggle. Kind of changes the context, doesn't it?

Patricia: Have I introduced you to Dominic Deegan yet?
Me:Name sounds familiar. But I haven't heard it said with a German accent, so no.

"I'd like to assimilate a 0.5 beer."
— Pete's comment on my Borg Hallowe'en costume.

Me:I have 'hobot'. It's a robot hobo!
Lori: Did you remember to write 'hobo'?
Playing Boggle with Patricia and my parents. No, I didn't remember to write 'hobo'. Nobody else had the word either.

Tim Foster:[With Quantum Computers], we could bring the porn industry to it's knees
Me: I dunno — it's one of the quickest adapting industries out there.
Tim: But it's so willing to go to it's knees it doesn't matter!
Yes, Tim said this. The sickness meme has been spread.

"Ooh, dick. I have enough right here. In fact, I have a little extra I can share around."
— Andrew Shannon on his sexual orientation.

"Five pounds? What the fuck? I have farts that weigh five pounds!"
— Andrew Shannon on women who worry excessively about their weight.

Lindsey:Can you write 'I love Michael'?
[I do it and give the paper to her]
Lindsey:Here, it's for you!
My four-year-old cousin strikes again.

"…or I'll call you 'uncle Pete'"
— Lindsey (my 4 year old cousin)'s best attempt at threatening me.

"Dewar. I could have sworn that was my motto for part of my life. It's like Nike but more respectful."
— Jon Hackett on women. If you don't get it, read it out loud.

"I guess Bush is sending soldiers to heaven the fastest way possible…"
— Hodgins on the combined effect of the Iraq "war" and the U.S. Christian government

"Davenport cleaned up that penis really good"
— Jesse Loughran. Context has been long forgotten

Celina: I'm glad I'm not a man…I wouldn't want to deal with penis problems.
Elmo: I'd be more worried about anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.
Celina and Elmo drunkenly discussing their gender-patriotism.

Tim F: The problem is I don't care! But I care that I don't care!
Me: If you care that you don't care, shouldn't you care?
Tim F: I'm not sure that I care enough that I don't care to actually start caring.
Tim on finishing the last nagging assignments of the 2B term.

"Why are we taping suckers to these 'Black and Gold day' tickets?"
"To weigh them down!"
"There's got to be a better reason."
"It's because if this was just a random piece of paper in their frosh kit, frosh would throw it away. With these taped on, the frosh will go 'Hey! Here's a sucker! Hey! So am I! I think I'll go to this event!'"
Random MathSoc exec people stuffing frosh kits.

"It's strange that her, the ditz ending up with me, the school geek. But it works out OK, I don't touch her boys and she doesn't touch my computer."
— Sylvia Andreae talking about her roommate and their agreement.

"Oh, Oh, she's touching your computer. Maybe you should touch her boys."
— Kristen Martin on what should have happened when Sylvia's roommate violated their treaty.

Mark S: My roommate asked if you were gay.
Me: I actually find that funny.
Mark S: Well, I'm gay, so he figures I have a window to the gay universe.
Far from the first or last time my sexual orientation was questioned.

"I wouldn't say she kicked my ass...she broke my leg"
— Steve, talking about the time Christine kicked his ass

Student: Will there be any non-perturbation stuff on the [PHYS 334] exam?
O'Donovan: It's really easy...it's just calculating expectation values and putting them into the formula.
Student: So, no.